These boots were made for stalking.

Did you ever have someone who liked you too much?

We all get those. But did you ever have someone like you too much and be incredibly creepy about it? You know that I did. I’ll have to call her Joyce.

This Joyce started out being nice enough. Always smiling. Never too friendly. Never too pushy.

Then, slowly, the psychosis began oozing out of her pores.

One day I was standing talking to Pirate near the copy machine. Joyce had just come out of the bathroom. She walked to us and stood there. We turned to look at her and said hi. Her response was “I’m just not feeling well. I’m getting my period. I think that I’m going to flow heavy this time.”

Hello! What!!??

No thank you. No no no thank you. Why is it that we had to hear this? Just wait…there is more. One day Joyce went to a co-worker. She revealed that she didn’t believe that Pirate was married. AND she didn’t believe that his wife was pregnant with their first child. Wow. She thought that he secretly “liked” her and that he was just hiding his emotions because we all worked in the same place. Really wow.

Ok. That could have been bizarre enough, but there is more. One day, I had a training. I came in wearing a pair of cargo shorts. She smiled very largely and looked me up and down. “Samurai,” she said in her weird little voice, “you look cute in shorts.” Then she giggled. Just kill me.

Ninja looked at me and was half laughing and half scared to death. I was completely scared to death and went to every office looking for pants. No luck. The gods frowned upon me.

Well, things continued on like this for a while. Pirate and I were dodging her like a ball thrown by an 8 year old Russian ballerina. We’d see her coming and wait to see when she’d make her move. We’d run like hell. Sometimes she was too quick for us so we would have to feign some sort of important call or meeting. She never let us get away easily.

Suddenly, people started coming to me and asking me to talk to her. Me? Why me? Oh well it’s just because she is having a psychotic break and is going to ask Pirate to go out on a date. Yah – should go over well with his wife…and their unborn child.

Ok. Throw me to the wolves. I’ll be the one to break it to her. So I devise a plan. It required contact with the enemy, but I was willing to sacrifice myself for Pi. I like to call this Plan A and subtitle it “Pompeii – wrath of destruction”. I approached her.

“Hey Joyce.”
“Hey Sam.”
“Did you hear about Pi?”
“What about Pi?” her face was beaming.
“Well, he got married.”
“Really? When?”
{pause}
{looking at each other}
“Well, a couple of years ago.” I responded slowly.
“Oh, that.” {Looking at her and knowing that I had just kicked over the kerosene}
“I don’t think that he really got married.” {of course you don’t}
“I think that he just wants me to make the first move.” {Oh god. No.}
“Uh, Joyce,” I was shaking internally now. “I really think that Pi is married and I think that he likes you, but he loves his wife.”
“Suuuuuuurrrrreee.” {oh my god!!!! Someone call security.} “I’m going to ask him if he wants to go to the movies with me.”
“Oh?” I could barely breath at this point.
“Yeah,” Joyce said in her little Joyce voice. “I got tickets. They’re paid for and everything. My Uncle Frank got them for me. He works next to a movie theater.” {I’d hot butter myself if she asked me to go to the movies. And now I was done talking to her.}
“Ok then, Joyce,” I said as I was backing away. “Let me know what he says.”

I called Pi and Nin into my office. I issued a travel warning for Joyce’s cubical. A few hours later, Joyce came by my office to tell me that Pi was going to New York City the night she had the tickets for to see the taping of Regis and Kelly. Sorry to hear that Joyce. Yes, I suppose Uncle Frank will have to go with you.

A few weeks later and Pi had come up with every excuse that he could think of to be busy on the days and nights that she asked him to go out. We knew he was getting desperate when we found out that he declined because he needed a brain scan.

So I stepped in and decided to take drastic action. OK. Here’s what we do: I’ll go and get Pi. You flank him and I’ll close ranks. The door will be open and we will talk very loudly. Nin? Go and let the Vice President know what our plans are.” {Sir! Yes Sir!}

Ok. Now we need the picture. Who has it? Oh yeah. Pi. We secured the baby’s first portrait. A nice little scan of a baby tucked into the womb. Nothing flashy – just black and white. Check. Ok – now let’s head out!!!!

We were flawless in our execution. The voices raised. The excitement building. The excruciating way that the whole scenario was built up. Now – the moment of truth.

I took the Pi baby picture and went around very loudly to every cube announcing that Pi was going to be a father and that the first portrait was hot off the presses! Everyone got so excited and began to squeal.

Joyce began to explore at this point. “What’s everyone doing?”

“Look Joyce,” I handed her the picture. She looked down and asked what it was.

“Not what,” I said frowning. “Who. It’s Pi’s baby”

She looked at the picture again. I could see in her eyes that the truth had sunk in. First she looked sad. Then she looked pissed. Then she went back to looking sad and threw in confused. Poor girl.
She tried to be happy after that. She did quit, but started to work for a company near us.

I feel really bad that I destroyed her hopes and dreams. She quit after that.

I don’t feel bad to have saved Pi and myself. Mostly Pi. Damn fan clubs.