Ya got a dolla?

Ok. I needed one of those aluminum things that you cook stuff in and through it away after you use it once. I hate spending $6 at the grocery store for one. I have much better investment ideas for my money. Like that magazine that I’ve been drooling over. Anyway…

So I remembered that I could get one at the dollar store. Hey! One dollar! It is genius!

I actually like the dollar store. You can run in there and get so much crap…stuff, I mean.

Of course, I was completely blown away that you could buy spices for a dollar. I pass on those. I admit that I’m suspicious of spices that only cost a dollar. Plus, one of the “spices” was MSG. Who thinks it’s a good idea to market THAT?!

So, I am wandering around the dollar store. I browse the aisles. Hmmm. Nice juice glasses. And I wonder how they expect you to get the antiquated television antenna down from the top row of the massive floor to ground, wall to wall unit that they have installed on every wall in the building. Ah…I see. A sign as small as a playing card that says “Please ask for help” in 3 different languages. No thanks. I don’t need anything on this wall.

I turn around and look down the next aisle. Oh. The personal grooming products. I try to get down the aisle without incident. But, of course, a woman that I determine to be “slightly” past middle age rushes past me and nearly knocks me over. She doesn’t bother looking to see if I’ve survived the encounter. She moves on to her prey. She finds it. And then she uses her “dollar store etiquette” and snatches up her kill while screaming at the top of her lungs to her friend on the other side of the store. “Mavis! I found the feminine spray! What kind do you want?!” I stand there watching her. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t even notice me. She’s busy showing the can to her friend. Mavis and “Killer” stand there and debate the finest scent. They even spray some of each in the air. I felt bad watching them after a while. And I couldn’t be of any help to them. So I moved on.

I turn the corner and here I am in the “office supply” aisle. I glance down and see a pack of 50 roughly sharpened pencils with little tiny points. I don’t need those really. I find the loose leaf paper which only reminds me of school. Now that I’m all grown up, I prefer to document my important things on empty envelopes that used to hold my car insurance bill, the cover of the phone book, and that Chinese take out menu. Lately, though, I have been using the smartphone. So I walk quickly out of this aisle.

I get to the end of the motherlode of school store rejected products and find my progress impeded. I stand for a moment stunned by the sight. Two boys. Brothers, I presume. Sitting on the floor. One, I guess, is about 4. The other is about 8. They both seems to have parents who care about them and make certain that they have plenty to eat. They are sitting there reading…every book that used to be in the office supply aisle. I look around for their mother. Of course I don’t see anyone but the skinny kid in a dollar store vest looking at the top row of that wall that perplexed me earlier. I turn around to go the other way but there are my 2 friends again – feminine spray in hand – reaching for the box of pencils.

I turn around. Hurdling the children doesn’t seem so bad. Until I start to step over them. That’s when the 4 year old decides that he’s done with the book he has and wants the book that his brother is reading. A quick movement of his hand and yes!!! He has the book and his brother is momentarily stunned. I’m stunned too. I look at one boy and then the other. I suppose that, in addition to the anticipation of a boxing match, I was also all tensed up from the possibility that this 8 year old has the ability to squeal and cry like a girl during puberty (I know…that was insensitive…I’m sorry).

I wait. The 8 year old looks at his brother and blinks. I can see the contemplation in his face. It terrified me. It was eerie the way the boy drained all emotion out of his eyes and stared blankly at his brother. Just when I thought the kid lapsed into a coma, he blinked. I adjusted my balance so that I wouldn’t fall. That’s when 8 year old catatonic boy sees me. A chill ran up my spine. Now the kid had blank eyes for me. I stop. I look the kid in his vacant little orbs of blue and squint.

I was just about to open my mouth and say something completely incoherent when their mother came flying around the corner and, in what I perceived as a Russian accent, told the boys to get up, put the books away and get their butts up to the cash register. She has four containers of spice…one of which was MSG.

I breathed a sigh of relief and bolted to the aluminum thingy aisle. I grab the thingy and an aluminum thingy lid, since the sign reminded me to take it. “Don’t forget your lid! It completes your purchase! 1$” Sweet deal. I now choose to run to check out. I have had enough fun at the Dollar Store today. Now it’s time to go home, put my feet up, and read my magazine.

I get to the counter and have my dollar out and change for tax. I have enjoyed hunting my prey. I have dodged all of the traps and challenges and here I am triumphant!

“That’ll be $2.17.”

What?! But why?

“The pan, one dollar. The lid, one dollar”

But…..

“Only the plastic lids are free.”

Damn.

Now I have to go to my car for a dollar and more change. My victory is hollow. I am now taking the walk of shame. Just as I get to my car, I here Killer and Mavis walking behind me.

“Oh yeah, Mavis! I always flirt with him and then he only rings up every other thing.”

I stand there blinking and contemplating. The next time I need aluminum thingies, I am definitely going to flirt.